Welcome to my tournament of champions.
The tournament is single elimination, sudden death.
Let the games begin.
The game is to 11.
Must win by two.
The first competitors are...
Freddy "Fingers" Wilson.
Wonderful.
This is Freddy Fingers.
And...
Randy Daytona.
Hello, Feng's mansion!
How was Disneyland?
Good luck, man.
Blow it out your ass, bitch.
Game point.
Randy Daytona is the victor.
Randy!
Give it up!
Can I hear a word?
Can I hear a double "huh-huh"?
Randy.
Fantastique.
Wong always did have an eye for talent.
Too bad they're not good for anything else.
You killed him?
Well, duh.
What part of "sudden death" didn't you understand?
Ow!
What's up?
Come, walk with me. Randy, I have a proposition for you.
I won't bite. Not anywhere that will show.
Guess a guy like you has to have a lot of security around all the time, huh?
Oh, them. They're just for show. Nobody'd try anything in here.
Give me the thing.
This is the real security.
The whole place is wired to blow.
I'd hate to have to relocate. The place ain't much, but it's homey.
Voilà.
I don't usually give strangers the full tour, but I don't know. Randy...
I like you.
Go ahead.
After you.
Guns is my new business, and business is booming.
These new polymer guns go on sale Thursday.
They go right through a metal detector.
Enough shop talk.
Let me show you my pride and joy.
Snazzy.
Yeah.
It's my own private table. Custom made.
You have to wear these vests to play.
The batteries in them store enough electricity to kill 3.8 men.
Every time you miss, the voltage doubles.
Two-nothing feels like you just stuck a fork in a toaster.
Nobody's ever made it past three-zip.
This guy here, five-time world champ.
Randy, let me cut through the bullpoop.
I'd like you to come and work for me as my personal assistantlhanger-on.
Me? Yeah.
Why?
Because I think you'd make a wonderful addition to the Triad.
Really? Me?
Of course not, no.
I want you 'cause it would break Wong's heart.
Me, his old pupil, luring his protégé to the dark side
is such a Kodak moment.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a panda these days?
Really hard.
Maybe he's dead. I'm not sure. I'm not really sure what they eat.
Oh, well.
Back to the old grindstone.
Oh, man.
You're gonna come to the Vishnu shrine in the bamboo grove.
You're gonna go, lower hand low five, lower hand low five, upper hand high five.
And then you're in. You got it?
What?
If the guns are there, I'll set the beacon and my guys will be here
before he scores another point. All right? Relax.
Just hurry!
I blow you a fart. How do you like that?
Randy Daytona versus Yukito Nagasaki.
This one is for you, Daytona!
Set and match.
Where's everybody at?
Coming up after the break, the final round.
Randy Daytona versus Karl Wolfschtagg.
You are so close to defeat, till it already reeks of your cheap cologne.
The joke's on you, pretty boy. It's not cologne, it's Lady Speed Stick.
Thank you, Master.
Listen to me. You said that you were gonna get me out of here, right?
They were supposed to be here by now. Look, don't worry, Randy.
I got a plan B.
You got a plan B?
Trust me. Meet me in the john in two minutes.
Welcome to Feng's bathroom.
Hey.
May I interest you in an Altoid or some Axe Body Spray?
Hey, these shoes look like they need a shine?
Hi.
Daytona.
I have said some cruel things about you to my friends here at the tournament.
I told them that the reason that you hate me so much
is because I had sex with your mother.
My mother died when I was two. I hardly knew her.
Yeah, I know. It's a horrible thing to say.
And yet these things that I say, over and over again,
I do not mean them.
'Cause, in truth,
you are the greatest player I have ever seen.
Other than myself.
Practicing in front of a mirror.
Which I do.
Every day.
In the nude.
I'm sorry for you that your papa is not here to see you.
I think he would be very proud of you.
Yeah.
So proud of you that he would probably bet some money on you again.
I could use the cash. Ha-ha.
Tell your dead parents I said, "What's up?"
We're staying.
Win or lose, I got to play him.
I can't keep running away from that German fruit salad.
Now I am proud.
It is better to die like a tiger than to live like a pussy.
I'm gonna go tell Rodriguez.
Rodriguez?
Open! Eat it!
Eat it!
How was I supposed to know you were gonna change your mind?
Silence. What's done is done. Let's hope it works.
I hate you guys.
Mr. Feng, there's been an accident.
Oh, no!
What have you...
I broke it.
Oh, my God!
Did that hurt? Yes!
Oh, dear.
I have no choice. I have to disqualify you.
I suppose Karl is our champion.
Oh yeah! Oh yeah!
This is far from over, Daytona!
AUDIENCE: You suck!
Hey! Hey, come on. That stings. Who said that?
Well, poop. Randy, I was serious about my offer, okay?
And e-mail me when you make up your mind.
I'm Pradafan1@gmail. com. "Pradafan" is all one word.
I can't tell you how disappointed I am.
I'm afraid your reputation has preceded you, Agent Rodriguez.
Are you still waiting for your backup?
Bad guys have homing beacons, too.
Competition will continue as scheduled.
Hope you're a good southpaw.
Three-point game. To the death.
Come on.
I'm cool, man. I'm cool.
Oops. Clumsy, clumsy hippos.
You should be more careful with your racquet.
It's not like I get these shoes for free.
Oh, wait. Yes, I do. I do get them for free.
Time out.
Master, look. It's your brother's paddle. It's my winning paddle.
I mean, I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do now.
Gweilo! Have I taught you nothing?
Game not in paddle. Game in you.
You cannot change what is past.
You must play for this man.
Here, use this paddle.
It belongs to the greatest player I have ever known.
Thanks, Master.
Gunter, glieben, glauchen, globen
All right
I got something to say
Yeah, it's better to burn out
Yeah, than fade away
All right
Gonna start a fire
Come on
Rise up, gather round
Rock this place to the ground
Burn it up, let's go for broke
Watch the night go up in smoke
Rock on, rock on
Drive me crazier
No serenade, no fire brigade
Just pyromania, come on
What do you want?
I want rock 'n' roll
Yes, I do
Long live rock 'n' roll
Oh, let's go, let's strike a light
We're gonna blow like dynamite
There will be a slight change in today's program for the final match.
The part of Karl Wolfschtagg will be played by...
Maggie! Randy.
Maggie! No, Randy, no.
You get to play her to the death.
I thought this would be much more interesting, huh?
You bastard. What?
This is an outrage!
I demand retribution! I did not come all this way...
Oh, great, blow dart, yeah?
Super.
Master, you got to help me out.
You got to give me some advice, anything, please.
Sorry, gweilo, I'm out.
"Game not in paddle, game in you," is usually my big finish.
I missed you.
I missed you, too.
Hey. Less talkie-talkie. More Ping-Pong.
Three-point game to the death.
Maggie, come on.
I'm not gonna play you, Randy.
It would be an honor for me to give you my life.
One-zero. Randy Daytona.
I don't know why you couldn't just say that you love me.
I...
One-One.
That's not fair. That wasn't fair.
Randy, I'm trying to sacrifice my life for our love.
Stop being such a dick!
I'm not gonna let you lose, Maggie.
Here we go.
This is not very honorable!
I love you, Maggie.
Boring. Kill them. Kill them both.
We're missing Antiques Roadshow.
No.
Oh, crap!
Get to cover! Come on!
You want to play rough? Okay! Go! Go! Go!
Stop it! Are you insane? These are not replicas!
Well, some of them are, but they're limited edition replicas.
Backup's right outside, they just signaled.
I didn't sneak in two of these for nothing.
This is the FBI.
Oh, my God! What?
Wait a minute, I forgot something, guys.
What?
Come here, baby.
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
Get to the dock!
He took my Uzi.
Get away from the door!
Sweet.
Well, that was awesome of me.
Dude, I totally knew you'd rescue me!
Okay! All right! Okay! All right! As a friend! As a friend, I rescued you.
Oh, right. Yeah. Right.
Follow me!
This way. Up the stairs!
Oh, crap!
So what? What? What are you gonna do?
You gonna murder me like you murdered my father?
You people sound like a broken record.
"You killed my so-and-so and you murdered what's-his-face. "
"I demand... " Blah-blah-blah. Get over it.
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Don't, don't, don't. Feng.
Listen, you kill me now,
we're never gonna know who Wong's best pupil is.
For the record,
I think we all assume that it is Randy.
You win, Wong.
Let's settle this, once and for all.
This rescue sucks, dude.
I know. Huh?
Not you, you're doing great.
Guys. Guys. Guys!
You, take the self-destruct doohickey. Just show it to the FBl.
Explain the house is rigged to blow. That will buy us time.
Ready, gweilo?
Any last words?
Yeah.
Self-destruct sequence activated.
Five minutes to detonation and counting.
It's your point, Feng.
I know. My serve, I think.
What the hell are you doing? It's over, Feng.
The Ping-Pong table doesn't know that.
If we stop playing, it will kill us both.
You mean, you can't turn it off?
God, that's so stupid!
Randy.
Get to the boat!
Okay, let's get out of here.
I'm gonna save the panda!
The panda's dead!
All right, FBl! You are all under arrest!
FBl!
Oh, shit!
That's my point, Feng.
But you missed the table!
I changed the rules a little.
I should have told you.
The way I play, you could hit it off anything you want.
One bounce, it counts. My bad.
Son of a bitch!
Guys!
This guy looks really tough.
You take him.
Two minutes to detonation.
You should've taken my offer.
I would've given you anything. Anything in the world!
I want my father back!
Lots of luck!
Come on, get up.
Come on, fast, fast, fast. Heads down. Heads down.
Get your own boat, Pedro! I call this one.
Guys! Guys!
Me, the money and the Chinese broad are taking off.
You see this pen?
This pen contains enough cyanide to kill everyone within 100-yard radius.
Do you think I'd come in here without a backup plan?
I'm FBl, pendejo!
Now, here's how it's gonna go down.
Hola. You like chorizo?
Let's get out of here. He's gonna be really mad.
Randy!
Remember what I told you, gweilo!
Feng only finished one-half of his training.
Come on.
I believe it's my serve, Feng.
Big deal. I never finished the training.
What's that mean? I have no honor or something?
It means you have no backhand.
Oh, shit!
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six...
Jump!
...five, four, three, two, one.
Dude, that was amazing!
I love you!
We are so proud of you!
Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Seriously, stop it!
You ready, pussycat?
Say hello to my little friend!
Are you okay?
Let's go, pussycat, one more time.
You got it?
Yeah.
Oh, no!
I heard that.
ERNIE: Okay, no more games.
Let me help you with that, Master.
There you go.
Hey, I wanted to thank you for everything that you've done for me.
So I got you a little something.
It's really not necessary.
But Master will accept.
What is it? Let me guess. It's something small.
No, don't...
Cufflinks? It's a ring.
I love jewelry.
I can't guess. What is it?
It's a new lucky cricket.
Oh.
Was.
I shall carry it with me always.
Yeah.
Don't bother. He's pretty much dead.
No, no, no. I will carry the box.
It will bring my spare change great honor.
Okay, you do that. You do that.
Hey, gweilo!
I just want to say
no hard feelings, huh?
Good luck on the new school, gweilo.
Thanks, man.
Dragon say, "May Wong's school of table tennis last 1,000 years.
"Or at least until the lease is up in August. "
Oh, thanks.
It's nice. Thank you very much.
You know, I think we all learned a valuable lesson.
Dragon say, "This is not over yet, whitey!"
Walk it off, Randy.
A true Ping-Pong player must always be aware of his surroundings.
Master, are you all right?
I am going to Disneyland.
Maybe we should keep this closed.
There's a gate here. There's a blind man walking around.
Feng!
Shit!
I'm not leaving without you, Ying-Ying!
Panda's totally fake.
Feng, not Fang.
Feng? Feng.
I've been calling you Fang this whole time.
F- E-N-G.
Feng?
All right.
Please.